Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
