I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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