She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
