my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
