A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The power of my boobs compel you
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
