Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
