you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
