I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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