Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
