My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
did i just pee glitter
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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