I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
