He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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