my phone needs a breathalizer
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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