who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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