: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
