I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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