I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
