I accidentally burped into my bong.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
