we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
