Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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