I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
