You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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