so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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