There is no way he is gay with that hair.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
