The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
