I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
