I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
