I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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