This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
