never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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