dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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