Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
