I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
