If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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