I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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