Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
