Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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