Moan for me like Helen Keller
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
home. puking in laundry basket.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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