I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
