If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
