nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
