I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am one with the molecules
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
