I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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