Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
