five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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