She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
