The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
