If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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