Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
