I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
