Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
